He Is In The Hospital (Day 2)

Today, Sunday 11.49 am.

I woke up pretty early today, Flight delayed till so long, I reached home at 2 am.

Right after I opened my eyes I reached my phone and checked what ever social media that might give me any news about him.

I don't know his condition. After we fought yesterday, his last sentence is "Salika, we are done, bye!" and I replied "yes, we are done!"

I really don't know how's his feeling now, how's his condition..

I just don't know what to do.

The only thing I wanna hear from his friend is he is just fine and will go home soon.

He Is In The Hospital (day 1)

I was in Jakarta, midnight, when I got his chat said that he is sick and there is something wrong with his veins and he already went to the clinic and the doctor said that he has to go to hospital.

As a not-crazy girlfriend, it is normal when I feel so worried. The last time he went to hospital and stayed just for few weeks before this happened.

I couldn't sleep the whole night, mom already asked me to sleep because we have to check out from the hotel before 12.

I tried to call him and he just replied not clearly, what I heard is he was talking to the doctor and couldn't talk to me that time.

I was so worried, I kept thinking about him.

I waited for so long till then I decided to call him and still he didn't answer my call at all.

In the morning, I woke up so late and still there was no any news from him.

I threw my self to the warm water, thought that it can make me calm. But no, I was so worried about him.

Almost lunch time, I called him. I couldn't wait for so long anymore, and his friend answered my call, I couldn't hear his voice and THE CREDIT FINISHED!!!

2.29 pm. He talked to me by facebook messenger. I was so happy finally he can tell me his condition. BUT NO! he just say hi, telling something that actually also made me shocked about one of our friend and when I asked about his health he didn't say shit, he just say that he wanted to eat and he went just like that.

I said yes, fine.. I was waiting AGAIN.

Can you imagine, when you are so worried and scared with what happen with the one that you love, and there's no any news about him and actually he still have mouth to ask his friend to text you, chat on facebook or anything to explain what the fuck is happening with him, but your loved one is just feeling "oh.. ok my girlfriend is ok when she find out that I am sick, and that's enough.. she doesn't need to know what the fuck is wrong with my body and what the doctor says.. my girlfriend is awesome!"

4.53 pm. My flight delayed. I checked my facebook, he commented on my photo on facebook. I was so angry! He can open his facebook, chat here and there, commented here and there but cannot give me any news that can make me calm!

I blasted like a dog!

All the bad words fell out so easily from my brain to my hand typing it for him.

I know very well I suppose to not doing it to him. He is sick! He was already in the hospital.

That's the moment where all the feeling I have make me that much angry.

I was worried, I was scared, I was angry.

Can you guys whoever that know this story understand what I felt that time?

I cried while I was typing the chat for him.

He will never know what I felt that time.

Confession

Ok, i want to confess about my feeling.
Hahaha, no, not about those handsome guys. It's just about some random things that I just realized.

1. I know no one in this world born as a perfect person, and I am the very-not-perfect one. I know I made a looooottt of mistakes. And I apologize for all the mistakes I made.

2. I was so dumb, stupid, and blind. Why did I say that? Because I couldn't realize all the mistakes that someone did for a lot of times and keep repeating it again and again! And I keep remember and keep being angry to those who did 1 mistake only and never do it again. I was really so blind!

3. I think I need to have something to do on my brain.

4. That's it. I feel soooo guilty after i realized all the mistake i did.

Keeping Quite

"Huh, you are.... I dont know.... You are the biggest mistake that i've ever made"

"You just dont know, Salika! I always trying to kiss and hug you! But you keep pushing me away!"

"You just dont understand what other people feeling"

"Fuck you!"

"Haha i will die fast if im with you"

"You insulted my love! I dont wanna be with you! Such an ungreatful girl!"

"Asshole!"

"Bitch!"

No, its just a drama, that keep coming to my mind, bring all the tears inside my heart.
May Allah always keep me to not saying the same like what he did.

"I am tired.."

"Seriously, i dont wanna be with you.."

"I am really tired"

That's all the sentences that i've ever decided to say...

Yeah in the end i am the one who always being the-wrong-one.

But at least , understand my feeling.

If i say i am sad, then understand why.
Not giving more anger.

Drama is over.

Happy ending :)

Salika, you failed!

I failed.

I dont know, but i just failed in everything.
I cant manage the class (eventhough only 3 days a week) , i cant manage the time with my boyfriend.

Everyone has their own problem.

Mine just the classic one.

Done.

(Random-ness Level: Salika) "From Ramadhan, story about losing my Relationship and Bussiness subjects"

Hi Salika’s Story, It’s been very long time!

A lot of things happened since the last time I posted something in here until now.

Now I’m gonna tell a lot of random things.

Start with my Ramadhan that I spent 20 days of it with my Ali, our relationship still goes up and down, and all the new things in this new semester.

Ramadhan this year was so full of "berkah" and happiness from Allah from me. Fasting and sahoor with Ali. Until the 21st day of Ramadhan I went back to Indonesia, left him with his friends in Malaysia. I was so so so sad because i could not spend our Hari Raya together. But yeah, mom always can heal my sadness, specially her foooodd!!! xD

One thing happened on the fourth Hari Raya. We were almost breaking up. Anyway, the day after that we still together because it all was only "almost".

Talking about breaking up, it is still a scary thing for me. I love him a lot! I trust him, not only about jealous-ness if other girl trying being "genit" to him but also trust him for being my wall. If you know me very well, i would rather tell any problem of mine to the wall rather than telling it to a human. I dont know why, maybe I'm just feeling more secure. And he can be the wall for me. I told him everything about me, my past, my family, my bad side, my good side, my black, my white and my pink. Everything means everything!

Yeah sometimes I also talk to you, my lovely blog! but haha trust me, he knows more. He is a very secure place for me to throw all the things from inside me.

And today, I lost him.

No, I'm serious.

I lost him.

Almost completely losing him. 

Funny? haha trust me, I swear, that was enough for me to feel the feeling of breaking up with him.

And I swear I dont wanna feel that feeling anymore.

He is the only friend I have in here. If I lose him, then I lose everything.

He leads me to build a good "New Me".

Not like other guys outside there who brings their girl to keep dreaming and hoping, he leads me to know what I suppose to reach day by day.

We both tired dreaming about future and those kind of things.

He told me, lakuin aja yg terbaik buat hari ini, so hari ini bakal ngebimbing kita ke masa depan yg baik buat kita.

Ah, thank you Allah for all the happiness.

Ok done about him, I feel like calling him now and say I miss him, a lot!
Hey, this 21st is our 6th month. I 'm planning to do something with him, because we both love to go to places, maybe me and him gonna explore Malaysia more as a tourist! ah it will be fun! Nevermind, I still have some more days to think about it :)

And yeah, I have to do all the assignments before all the plans for this month (I'm gonna tell you about our Anniversary plan and did I tell you that I'm gonna come to Yovie and His Friends concert?, aaaaaa Kahitna I'm comiiiiiinnnggg!!!). Huh, who said that business subjects are easy? NO! not at all! I've never learnt about those subjects before and this semester I have to start taking some subjects of business. I miss biology :(

Enchanted

Every people have their own favorite movie. Some of them love to watch action or drama. But for me, since few years ago until now, my very favorite movie is Enchanted. Ya, Enchanted! Yes, I know I am going to 20 years old this December, but Enchanted is still my favorite movie.

For some of you who don't know how Enchanted makes me crazy of it, first you have to watch that movie or this is more info about Enchanted.

I love Giselle! Before the evil queen sent her to the real life (New York) she was living in Andalasia. Andalasia is a place where always full of smile, and everything is always has the happy ending. When she came to the real world, she kept thinking positively, just the same when she was in Andalasia.

How the way she always feel "wah!" and "wow!" with the big smile only for the small thing. Her mind is always full of love, she is very sensitive about what happen around her. She is so innocent!

And yes, the end of the story is a Happy Ending. She keep thinking that everything will ends just like in Andalasia and the people will live happily ever after.

i love Giselle! :')

I really love Giselle. Yeah maybe that is only a movie but that influenced me a lot! Make me believe that actually all the things always ends with happy smile, it's just about how the way we take it. Imagine how if Giselle feel stressed and depressed when the time she trapped in the real life? but she is not! She keep be positive.

Ok, maybe my life and how the way I'm thinking about something is not really the same like how the way Giselle thinks, but please people, happy ending is REAL.

And other people say that I am just a kid that trapped in my dream. I am just a kid that have never been in a big problem. Yes, I am still a kid that is why I've never had a big problem. I'm trapped in my world. My own world.

I will give you one example.

I have a friend, she has Vitiligo on her skin since she was kid. But she just take it with the smile, she said "yes I will live with Vitiligo for the whole my life. I am HAPPY got this Vitiligo so that I will never show part of my body to people easily, my body is not cheap!"

See, how the way she thinks about a disease. She still be happy and still thinks positively. A lot of people got a big problem but they just take it as a gift from god.

That's what I meant by saying happy ending is real. That is just how the way we change the storm become rainbow :)

I am just grew up. I was growing in the condition that all the happiness is always around me. But no, don't ever think that I grew up only with smile. My parents had a lot of problem, financial, about their marriage and the relationship between me and my father also not really went well, we just be "friend" when I am here, in Malaysia.

My mom is my Queen in my world. She always brought me to my world where there's no tears and anger inside there. My mom is always keep telling me that life will be easier if we have love inside our life, keep the love so that your life will be full of your smile, because love is always bring the happiness in the end. And Giselle supports my mom's words :)

In this age, I am thinking that I am just like Giselle. Come to the other world where smile is not always there for me. All the fake-ness, those double faces, those lies, those anger are new things for me.

I don't know what I should do.

I am confused.

I am in the condition where I really have no idea whether following how the way they are with those lies or just be like me.

I just don't know how to socialize with others.

yes, I am trapped!

I don't even know what was I talking about. That's the function of having a blog, just write what's inside my mind, put it, publish it, no one read it, and someday I will open again and I will see how far I already grow up :)

 a-just-born-girl

Salika Azzahra

"Ali, Alika, The new houses, The new me"

Hi blog! Yeah, I was saying Hi to Blog because I know that there's no one going to read my blog. Haha.

Ok, I'm gonna tell you the story of mine. The story that I actually too lazy to tell.

Hmm my life is really really really found its home.

I've found the one who I really called as a home of my heart. His name is Ali. My heart finally found its home for staying a while or maybe for a long time or maybe forever. Amin.

Blog, you really know that since I'm studying in Malaysia I've never found my really own home for my heart. My heart always going to the wrong home and sometimes going to others people home. But now, everything become better. Alhamdulillah.

The very first month of me and Ali become together was so difficult. We fought 15 times a day or more. The different age that very far (yeah, 6 years between us is very far for me) and also because of me that not really good at communicate make our first month as hot as hell.

Day by day we keep learning about each others, what I actually really want, what he actually really wants and what we suppose to do to make up our relationship. We learnt a lot from each others. And now those argument not as much as the first month.

Time by time he always making me proud of being his girlfriend. He trust me. He believe that my past is always at my back, my past will never following me to reach my future.

I really don't want this post will have the same story like the old posts of my blog. Those posts ended being hidden because the one who became the first actor on my post being an as**ole.

If you got what I meant you will understand how bad was my life.

Ali makes me believe that I have the better future, he can bring me to the better "me" in the end. I trust him to hold my hand and walking together with me leaving my past.

I love him. I don't wanna lose him.

Yeah he is the official one.

If maybe there was some people who read my previous blog maybe they will think "oh.. Salika has the new boyfriend.. Just wait for some weeks.. She will has the other new one"

Ok, I'm not trying to prove that I am the very good girl now, I'm just telling you that Ali is different. He is the different one. Don't ever count him as the same people that I had before.

He leads me to be the better person. I trust him.

Hmm talking about him and my past in the same time always make me very emotional. Huh!

Ok, the other thing that already have found its home is............. My self, my bed, my cupboard, my sheep, my pink dolphin and Alika! Haha.. Yeah, as what I've told in the previous post I already moved to the new house and made the new contract for 1 year. I don't need to move around anymore! Alhamdulillah..

Hmm did I tell you who is Alika?

Alika is the naughty stupid cat from Ali.

This picture was taken when i was sick and she kept staring at me the whole time

She was trying to sucide... oh ya, at that time we didn't know that she was actually a female -_-

Look at her naughty face! (psstt.. her name given by my lovely Angela, no wonder she is so naughty :p)

The first time when Ali sent Alika to my home I was so surprised. Ok, maybe Ali didn't know that my bad habit is saying "huuuu so nice.. I think I wanna buy that.." "I think I wanna buy this!" "hooooo I really wanna have this and that".

But actually when I'm saying it I don't really mean that or maybe I will take sometime to think before I buy the things that I want.

But Ali, my Angel, always trying to make all my will become real. He always make my happiness become the number one after his family. Sometimes he really makes me realize that I have to fix my self, a lot of things in me that I have to change.

And.... He never be the distraction for my study. I'm proud of him. Or maybe i have to say that I'm proud of me! Haha..

I love you, Ali.

Thanks for you for always finding the way for me to be happy.

Thank god, alhamdulillah ya Allah, always loving me and giving me the people that always care about my happiness.

Blessed Girl,

Salika Azzahra

oke, aku bernafas..

*tarik nafaaaassss* *hembuskaaaannn*

hahaha jadi selama ini aku gak nafas?
hehehe... gak lah.
aku cuma merasa beberapa waktu terakhir hidupku udah mulai membaik, aku udah pindah ke rumah baru yang di kontrak untuk setahun kedepan. walaupun rumahnya sucks, dengan plug di kamarku semuanya mati.

tapi,

kuliah agak sedikit menurun, mood nulis lagi di level paling bawah,

dan aku punya pacar baru.

ok ini postingan yg paling random.

dan, blogku ini sudah satu tahun. yeeaaayy.

ok then, i think that's all. it's effin' short.

but yeah, i am still alive.

see you soon!

s a l i k a

bintang itu indah, hujan itu hangat, senyumanku di cermin menyejukkanku..

hati yang beku terdiam di sudut ruang,

sendiri menunggu sembari mencoba menyembuhkan luka.

melihat kembali ke dalam cermin, hanya terlihat senyumanku itu lagi.

aku terdiam.

suara hati dipaksa untuk diam dan menunjukkan kekuatannya.

tak seperti bintang yang kuat tetap bersinar di kegelapan,

tak seperti hujan yang mampu membasahi dunia,

pantulan cermin itu tak cukup kuat untuk melindungi hati,

hanya tetap berusaha menyembuhkan luka.

merasa sendiri di sudut, namun terlindungi oleh senyuman..

hati yang malang, namun cukup kuat untuk tersenyum.

 

 

 

 

 

 

-Salika "Blossom"-

call me Blossom!

"I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing"

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time 

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
And I don't want to miss a thing

-Aerosmith-

Those words are everything that I feel whenever I'm you.. ahh just ignore it, you will never read this eventhough you told me that you will read my blog one time.. but I know you very well.. you will never read this blog :)

One time if you read this, you will know how was I love you..You will know that there was a girl that really loved you. Angela said "maybe one time when you read this blog, I already forget about you." (Friday, 25 January 2013 "KZSA")

who's Angela? klik >>> Angela Kartini

24 January 2013, You were in my dream!

You...

I dreamed about you last night.. it was the shortest 10 hours in my life. Everything goes fast when i'm with you.

You looked so happy, seems like you were enjoying your time with me. You gave me hugs and kisses.. I can  feel your warm hug until now when I woke up, after you woke me up and I let you go, from my dream.

I remember your wide smile, your laugh, your voice..

And I also remember how you talked so rude to me. I remember how hurt when you never treat me nicely. You can't even pretend as a nice guy, as a "more than friend" only for 10 hours!

oh ya, I forgot, it was just a dream! I can't do anything..

But I can remember so clearly what you've said to me, "you are the real fake one! be original.. like me"

yeah, I'm a fake girl! I'm hiding all the things, I'm pretending as the good one! is that all the things that you think about me?

Yes, I am! I'm pretending that I'm not angry when you left me, I'm not sad when I saw your face with her so close (yeah, i'm not your girlfriend.. but I remember that you dont have any girlfriend), I'm not crying when I miss you, I'm not sad when you blammed me about anything that I didn't do.. yeah, I'm the fake one.

I'm waiting for the moment when you give me hugs and kisses from your heart, not for only to make me happy and fly away. I'm waiting until you say "I miss you" because I've never heard you say it to me. I'm not wishing you love me back, we can never force our heart to love someone.. but please be gentle, show that you want and show that you don't want. Don't make me fly and throw me away just like that as a shit.

This morning must be a beautiful morning.

Did you know that I was planning to ask your last hug before I let you go? but I couldn't say it.. that words was stucked in my throat. It just a dream.. it was only a dream.. I can't do anything.

Help me to forget about you.. at least to not wishing the "REAL" one of you..

It was a sweet dream ever!

For those who never have a sweet dream like that, you can just imagine in the real life you could spend your time with someone you love, and you can feel his/her hugs and kisses even their warm smile.

I promised to myself that I wanted to forget about you.. but I can't!

24 Desember, yeah I'm already 19 years old!

Ditengah kegalauan yang mendalam, pikiran yang gak pernah bener, aku mengumumkan bahwa sekarang aku udah 19 tahun!!

Gak ada perayaan apapun untuk menandainya. Tapi sebulan sebelumnya aku udah berfikir untuk mengganti perayaan dan kado ulang tahun dari mama dengan sebuah biola dan satu paket kursus biola sebanyak 8 kali pertemuan.

Beberapa hari sebelum 24 Desember aku pergi ke toko musik dan daftarin diri di Mozart Institute. Semakin dekat dengan hari ulang tahun aku gak ada berharap apa-apa dari org rumah karna aku udah “make” hadiah ulang tahun aku.

Di tanggal 23 Desember, pipi, ade sepupu aku tidur di rumah aku. Yah gak ada yang aneh emang karna dia dan 2 sepupuku lainnya memang sering nginap d rumah ku dan 1 lainnya emang menetap di rumahku.

Pipi bawa dvd korea, yah mau begadang gitu ceritanya. Lagi asik nonton sambil repot balesin bbm, facebook dan sms dari temen-temen yang ngucapin selamat, kakak sepupu aku yang lainnya datang habis pulang kerja, dia bawa makanan dan ngajak makan bareng. Romantis kan si ganteng?

Lagi asik makan, wandi sms aku, dia bilang abis pulang kerja ntar dia mau ke rumah aku. Yah aku masih menganggap dia dateng ke rumah jam 11 malem itu wajar karna dia gak bakal ada waktu untuk ke rumah kalau siang hari.

Asik banget ngobrol sama wandi tiba-tiba kak Halim keluar rumah (yah emang aku suruh nemenin ngobrol bareng sama wandi, soalnya agak gimanaaaaa gitu beduaan sama wandi di depan rumah), dengan muka yang “gak biasa”. Kentara banget nyembunyiin sesuatu. Dia gak bakal bisa bohongin aku, jelas lah, aku kenal dia seumur hidup aku!

Ternyata dan ternyataaa... dia nyembunyiin tepung dan beberapa telor dingin, ketauan banget ngambil dari kulkas :p

dan.......

an annoying handsome!

yes it was very dirty but still must put my sweet smile :)

flour and eggs on my head

Pipi - Lika - Kak Halim *look at Pipi's face with eggs!

biar udah jelek gini, poto masih harus tetep senyum cantik dong ya!

and look! who was the one cleaning the living room in the middle of the night! :p

Setelah semua "kekotoran" itu selesai, aku mandi (yap! jam 1 malem mandi, bersihin tepun dan telor di badan yang sampe pagi pun masih banyak nempel di rambut).

Besok paginya, sarapan bubur ayam bareng keluarga dan makan malem bareng semuanya.. mama beli Tom Yam kesukaan aku!!

Hari ulang tahun bukan hanya tentang kue, lilin, kado atau perayaan.. Tapi sebuah kebahagiaan yang gak ternilai bisa datang dari kehangatan keluarga sekitar yang selalu memberikan rasa sayang melimpah ke aku yang bukan anak kecil lagi.. buat aku yang masih di timang di tengah keluarga.

Aku merasa Allah sangat sayang padaku..




-andnowsincei'm19,i'mreadytowearingscraft(HIJAB)!-

ngerasa gak di post ini gaya menulisku beda dengan post-post sebelumnya? sepertinya gak ada "aku" dalam tulisan ini.. seperti bukan Salika yang biasa. apa cuma perasaanku? -_-